Well, first there was a career change (the bad one), then another career change (the good one - becoming a teacher). Then came love, then came marriage, then came the most beautiful baby (but not a whiff of a baby carriage).
I cannot and will not complain. I've been - and am - bloody lucky. I truly do reflect every day how blessed I am to have so much good stuff in my life. Frankly I don't know what I did to deserve it. So, given that this blog has historically been an outlet at less "I'm bloody lucky" moments in my life, why write now?
Because I've rediscovered another old friend - leisure time.
Yup, baby is at nursery and I'm unemployed so find myself in that weird, desirable and magical state - at leisure. I have a coffee. I have a book. Dammit, I even have a muffin. So why aren't I feeling leisurely? Why am I, in fact, feeling stressed?
In the absence of answers I did what I always do. I googled.
"Stuff about leisure time please Google".
According to Ovid, "In our leisure time we reveal what kind of people we are." A bit of a nail biter then. Thanks for that insight.
I found this more helpful...
"A man can never be idle with safety and advantage until he has been so trained by work that he makes his freedom from trials and tasks more fruitful then his toil has been." (Hamilton Wright Mabie)
Nail with sore head.
Aha!, I realise. I can't enjoy this rare moment of leisure; I don't know how to make it fruitful. And I can't seem to clear my head enough to figure out how.
It's a weird thing but over the last year or two I have longed - as most of us do - for moments like this: alone, with free time and caffeine. But - like most of us find - there has always been something in the way: 70 hour teaching weeks, marking loads, home improvements, home tidying, defrosting the fridge... More recently it's been baby juggling, with all the joys and stresses one can imagine that brings. But now, with time on my hands, I just feel a heavy mix of paralysis and nausea.
What should I go with these hours ahead of me? Should I do more job hunting (or just cut out the middle men of the job market and just go and thrash my head against the wall?) Tidy the house? A cup of tea perhaps? Or maybe I should do some of that sewing / knitting / drawing / exercise I'm always saying I want to do? Alternatively I could just sit, paralysed and overwhelmed, checking Facebook and my emails for the god-knows-how-many-th time today, hoping for some divine inspiration or contact from the outside world.
And whilst this frozen in time inability to make any kind of meaningful choice feels uncomfortable enough there's also the wave of sickness, the stomach churning post rollercoaster feeling of not being able to stand still for a second to process the barrage of thoughts...
Is the baby ok? Is it normal she cried when I left her at nursery? Am I bad mum for leaving her? Maybe I should go pick her up?
Will I ever, ever, ever find a job? Why is this so bloody hard to find one? But should I work at all? Maybe I should be at home with the baby. Am I selfish or ungrateful for wanting more? Should I go get the baby?
And why can't I read books anymore? What if I can never concentrate for long enough again? Should I have more coffee and try a bit more? Or go home and vacuum? Oh and when will the bloody damp patch on the wall ever dry out?
I shouldn't have eaten that cake. Will my marshmallow post baby tummy ever go? Will I end up diabetic if I keep drinking chai lattes?! Maybe I should just go get the baby...
I cannot, it seems, feel idle with safety and advantage. And without you, old blog, I don't know how to make the time fruitful. I don't know how.
Believe me, I know such time is a gift. I can sense - and trust me am berating myself for - the undertones of ingratitude which might seem to reverberate through this post. But I don't mean to be ungrateful. I really don't. I am lucky. I AM blessed. In so many ways.
I just wish leisure time felt a bit more, you know, leisurely.
